Official-Looking Yet Completely Bogus Biographical Sketches Of The Knights And Squires Of The Killer Rabbit

Gaze now upon a truly obnoxious and hideous sight! The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog approacheth.  This is the same Killer Rabbit that did battle with Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table as they pursued the Holy Grail. Lo’ did five knights,…. no three….., three knights did quarrel with said beast and lost their lives most despicably.  With it’s formidable fluffy white fur, deadly floppy ears, and it’s nasty sharp pointy teeth there is no question about the damage this reproachful rodent hath done.  Only with the divine intervention of church sanctioned weaponry were Arthur and his Knights able to defeat thine enemy and assure that never again would such a blight trod this realm again.

Lindsay Reed as our teams Vorpal Rabbit

Sir Jonathan the Stern, aka “Chair Breaker” & “Ball Buster”

Born under the sign of Leo in the village of Billings on the Iowa, Sir Jon is one of the best war strategists in the medieval world.  Under his command, the notoriously ruthless Spanish Fly army defeated the insurgent Scratch, The Big Red Cock to win the Kinetics War in the year of our Dork Lord 2005. In an untelevised interview, Sir Jon proclaimed “today Kinetics, tomorrow the world.” However, inside sources say Sir Jon is tired of changing the world and secretly yearns to be a giant red wood tree so that he can house the humongous collection of Spanish flies, killer rabbits and African swallows that he pillaged during his quest for the Holy Grail.  Sir Jon, an accomplished sculptor and micro beer brewer, is betrothed to Lady Rose of Sharon.

Weapon of Choice:  Ball and Chain

Sir Galahad, the Chaste and Pure, aka, “Slim Shady”

Although he is widely known as the “Good Knight”, rumors continue to surface that Sir Galahad has a secret life as a womanizer and rap artist.   In a statement released to the Camelot press corps, Galahad categorically denied all allegations that he has a love child and is leading a double life. “I am chaste and pure” he said.  “I never look upon damsels with lust.”  According to eyewitness accounts, however, Sir Galahad has been seen drinking and carousing with damsels all over Camelot, including his own squire, Deb.  Interestingly, Deb spelled backwards is Bed.  Coincidence?  You be the judge.  The son of Sir Lancelot, Sir Galahad has often been spotted mountain biking and skiing.  He said “I know these things haven’t been invented yet but I enjoy being ahead of the curve.”

Weapon of Choice: Very Loud Medieval Rap Music  

Sir Robin, the Not-So-Brave-As-Sir Lancelot, aka “The First Sign of Cowardice”

This knight, whose favorite color is yellow, talks a good game but disappears at bad times.  Born in Switzerland, his favorite pastimes are running and daily affirmations (“I am not a coward”, “I am not a coward”).  Sir Robin claims that he has killed a lot of enemies but no one has ever met them.  He also claims to have a girlfriend living in Canada, but no one has met her either.  Though Sir Robin is sometimes annoyed by his minstrels’ songs, he loves their tenderloins.  “Barbeque minstrel…now that’s something worth questing for” he said. Blake Miller as Brave Sir Robin the chicken hearted.

Weapons of Choice:  Legs, Sword if I have to

Sir Lancelot the Brave, aka, “The Wedding Crasher” & “La Zealot”

This famous knight was born far from Wimpledon in a bush near the Land of Neeeee.  A Sagittarius, who is inseparable from his loyal horse… (oops, can we say that in public?), his hobbies are rescuing men from wedlock and chasing peril at every turn.  Best known for his quirky personality—he has been known to apologize when slaughtering wedding guest—Sir Lancelot loves tunes crooned by forlorn princes.  Sir Lancelot, who recently was charged with the murder of a famous historian, is out on bail.  “I’m just glad they let me out in time to attend the Kinetics parade and race” he said.  “All I’ve ever really wanted was to be The Brave Kinetics Wizard.  But I guess that will never happen now that I’ve been charged with a felony.”

Weapons of Choice: Ropes, bridesmaids and other wedding paraphernalia

Sir Bedevere the Wise, aka “Oh Great Deciduous One” & “The Stumper”

Born between Capri-acorn (wisdom) and Libra (desire for obscenely large scales), this knight has a passion for weighing ducks and other things that float.  In fact, he secretly yearns to be a bar of soap…floating (of course) in the tub with b’-naked YOU!  Few people know that Sir Bedevere once was a drummer in a Hare Fusion group and a founding member of the world-famous Hip-Hop band, “Killa Rabbit”.  He also has choreographed award-winner dance routines.

Weapons of Choice:  Poisonous Porcupine Quills and Holy Skunk Grenades

Squire Patsy, aka, “Deadeye”

Squire Patsy, whose hobbies are weaponry and cooking, has been squire to King Arthur for over seven years.  “He’s an ok dude” she said.  “We like to hang out, listen to a little Rock, some blues.  Sometimes after a battle we listen to Classical or Celtic music to calm us down.” Squire Patsy, or Deadeye, as she prefers to be called, dreams of retiring soon and starting a new career as a stand-up comic.  “I find humor in the smallest of things” she said, “like using the Holy Grail as a beer mug.”   A foundling, Deadeye was born on the cusp of Leo the Lion and Virgo the Virgin.  She is rumored to be the love child of Sir Galahad the Chaste and Pure.

Weapons of Choice:  Bow & Arrow and Crossbow

Squire Sarah, aka, “Neat Freak”

Born under a Piscean sun in the cornfields of the Kingdom of Iowa, Squire Sarah breeds greyhounds for the royalty of Camelot.  “I’d rather be raising chickens” she said, “but squiring pays the bills.”  Squire Sarah was recruited by the Knights of the Round Table after being arrested for going 100 mph in a 5 mph zone.  “We like fast women”, said one of the knights.  When she’s not facing deadly perils in search of the Holy Grail, Squire Sarah enjoys hiking, biking and sleeping.

Weapon of Choice:  12 Gauge Shot Gun

Squire Deb, aka, “Captain Crunch”

Insiders have long whispered about Squire Deb’s strange fascination with serial killers and scary movies.  “That’s why I recruited her” said Sir Galahad.  “I wanted someone who could think like a cereal killer, though I don’t understand why anyone would want to kill cereal”.  Born under the sign of Virgo the Virgin, Squire Deb is single and a self-proclaimed squire by day and wrench by night.  She adamantly denies, however, the rumors circulating about her and Sir Galahad.  “We’re just friends”, she claimed.  When she’s not searching for the Holy Grail, Squire Deb enjoys playing with her dog and hunting and skinning deer and elk.

Weapons of Choice:  Rifles, Hand Guns, and Bow & Arrow

Killer Rabbit Kinetics Awards

1st Swifty Shifty Award for being the first over the finish line
2nd Place Overall Winner
3rd Place Costume Award
1st Place Sculpture Award
4th Place Engineering Award
2nd Place Style Award
5th Place Bribes

OFFICIAL WARNING FROM THE FBI, INTERPOL, CIA, KGB, AND AUTHORIZED MAFIA FRANCHISES:       The universally enforced law of state-protected corporate greed provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the authorized and unauthorized reproduction and distribution of copyrighted materials, especially these official-looking yet completely bogus biographical sketches of Knights and Squires of the Killer Rabbit.  Copyright infringement may constitute a felony with minimum penalty of at least five years in a secret, scary rat-infested prison and/or a $250,000,000,000,000 fine. More severe penalties, up to and including decapitation by an innocent looking bunny, will be applied to anyone who duplicates, attempts to duplicate or ever thinks about duplicating the classified, yet completely worthless information contained herein. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!